Volume 193 - Issue 11
The medical convention
Author: Leonard Green
Med J Aust 2010; 193 (11): 694. || doi: 10.5694/j.1326-5377.2010.tb04107.x
Published online: 6 December 2010
Published online: 6 December 2010
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Good medicos are burning with desire,
To take on board advances they require,
Devoting leisure moments to pursue
Such literature that enters their purview.
They front up to hear lectures after work,
To bone up on some therapeutic quirk,
So expertise and insight may be gained,
And professional standards be maintained.
Continued education brings rewards,
And favour of the state medical boards
Without whose benefit good doctors fear
They’re likely to be tossed out on their ear.
Well, not infrequently, they feel they must,
Pursuant to their academic lust,
Convene with keen like-minded personnel,
At some prestigious convention hotel.
They choose a choice location for this spree,
Where shopping is most likely duty-free,
Then as they doze or contemplate or learn,
They plot deductions from their tax return.
The program planner usually provides
Relief from lectures and relentless slides,
Allowing those who feel at all inclined,
To swan off on excursions and unwind.
Thus one encounters doctors of renown,
Who while relaxing let defences down,
And herewith is a brief manifesto
Of doctors, some of whom you surely know.
This resumé of medicos indeed,
Should satisfy an all-consuming need,
So patients may be able to rejoice,
In visiting the doctors of their choice.
Herewith in verse maybe for the first time,
The healing arts and artists caught in rhyme.
Appear on stage to be viewed and discussed,
The ones to whom our bodies we entrust.
Final session
(After Noel Coward’s I went to a marvellous party)
For some obscure reason
I’m here for the season
Of medical rorts,
With doctors who venture
To convention centre
In grand plush resorts.
The new qualifiers
And old frequent flyers
Arrive in their hoards,
The healing profession
To make an impression,
On medical boards.
It cost quite a bit
But I have to admit
It was worth every cent,
I’m not a cheapskate
And I’m pleased to relate
That I’m glad that I went.
Yes I went to a lovely convention,
A junket, a real jamboree,
The doctors turned up to sip and to sup,
And much of the noshing was free.
Benevolent caring drug houses
Fell over each other, what’s more.
Such elegant samples they took from their shelves,
The drugs into which all the avant-garde delves,
And which they agreed to try out on themselves,
I couldn’t have loved it more!
It was such a super convention,
The doctors committed to learn.
You know what I mean,
The more they could glean,
The more they’d be likely to earn.
They didn’t need too much note-taking,
With printed handouts by the score,
Then discounted textbooks were offered for sale,
All quite up to date in the latest detail,
And others available on the e-mail,
I couldn’t have loved it more!
It was such a way-out convention,
No lawyers or newshounds allowed,
Although I admit,
When musing a bit,
A few had got in with the crowd.
You have to watch out for intruders,
You need a firm hand at the door,
Insurers were handing out membership slips,
Detailers were offering quite useful tips,
And promised to upgrade old computer chips,
I couldn’t have loved it more!
It was such a stunning convention,
With double projection of slides,
Intelligent folk,
Enjoying a joke,
Occasional funny asides.
The visiting firemen were splendid,
Imported from somewhere offshore,
Presenting their work with a practised aplomb,
It’s easy to tell from the accent where from,
It had to be either a Yank or a Pom,
I couldn’t have loved it more!
It was such a friendly convention,
The women were out on spree
There’s no way of stopping,
The ladies when shopping,
When everything is duty free.
Some menfolk had joined in the outing,
When finding some lectures a bore.
A sort of wine buff, I examined the range,
Of duty-free liquor and some of it strange,
And picked up a discounted carton of Grange,
I couldn’t have loved it more!
It was such a first-rate convention,
And nobody wanted to stop,
Although one or two,
Perhaps me and you,
Declared it was over the top.
We ambled along to the rostrum,
Displaying such esprit de corps,
Then off we all went with a friendly handshake,
To boast of the hardships that we undertake,
And let patients know what we do for their sake,
I couldn’t have loved it more!